"We
teach people how to treat us." ~ Dr.
Phil McGraw
Fireside Chat - a personal
note from Teresia & Sonia
Hello Sassy and Savvy
Women!
Do you ever feel like the people in your
life are really getting under your skin?
Like you’re running out of patience
or energy for a relationship, but you aren’t
sure how to get it back on track? These
are signs that you’re missing a critical
skill – but by the end of this newsletter,
you won’t be.
Last month we looked at personal standards,
the framework of behaviors and expectations
that determine how you choose to “show
up” in life. On our “Savvy
Conversations” call, we had a
fantastic discussion about establishing
and maintaining higher standards, and if
you joined us, you heard us touch on the
natural next step in this process: setting
boundaries.
Boundaries are about how other people show
up in your life. One way to think about
boundaries is to consider them an invisible
line of protection that we create for ourselves,
a tool that stops other people from damaging
our hearts, minds and souls with their unhealthy
behaviors. By definition, boundaries define
who you are and who you are not; they create
the space and freedom to be who you are,
and they separate you from the people, situations
and behaviors that do not align with your
standards.
When you raise your standards and set boundaries
to protect them, you automatically live
a higher quality of life. You have fewer
problems, fewer tolerations, and healthier
relationships. Things just get — easier.
Don't miss this month's
"Savvy
Conversation," a *fre'e* conference
call that will help you learn and utilize
the powerful tool of setting boundaries!
JOIN US and other like-minded business women
on Thursday,
April 19th at 8 AM PST to dig into
the details of how to build a thriving business
with the standards and boundaries that let
you soar. Click here
for more details, and to register!
In this issue:
feature
article
Drawing a Line in the
Sand
Regardless of what you do with your life,
the same is true for almost everyone: the
quality of your life is closely tied to
the quality of your relationships. When
a relationship is off track, problems develop
very quickly; and if the situation is not
deliberately shifted, that relationship
becomes taxing. It drains you, distracts
you, and even causes you to shut down some
of your heart energy - the best part of
you!
At this point, most people choose one of
two things: 1) suffer someone else's bad
behavior in silence, or (2) abandon the
relationship.
There is a third option: have a conversation
that redirects the relationship. Why don't
people choose this third option? Because
they're scared… scared of conflict;
scared of hurting someone's feelings; scared
of losing the relationship.
The good news is, there is a way to change
the situation that respects and honors everyone
involved. Want to know the magic formula?
Here it is:
- 1. Start with your appreciation and intention
for the relationship. ("I really appreciate
the relationship we've developed and I want
us to develop a stronger connection.")
This opens both people's hearts and sets
a strong tone for the rest of the conversation.
- 2. Share an observation from your own
perspective. ("I've noticed that you're
late to our meetings more often that you're
on time.")
- 3. Let them know how this impacts you.
("When people show up late for appointments,
I can't service them as well and I feel
like you don't respect our time together.")
- 4. Request what you want to develop in
the relationship. ("My request is that
you always show up on time for our meetings
so we can work really well together.")
- 5. Define the consequence. ("If you
do continue to show up late, I may have
to re-evaluate our working relationship.")
The people who really love you and are
committed to maintaining a great relationship
with you will respect your (clear and reasonable)
boundaries.
You might have to revisit this conversation
a time or two, and that's OK. At some point,
it becomes clear whether or not the other
person is willing to shift for the sake
of the relationship. If you sense a deep-seated
reluctance to shift, and the relationship
continues to compromise your well being,
you may decide to sacrifice the relationship
for a higher quality of life.
Setting higher standards in your life,
and the boundaries to maintain them, takes
courage. It can even feel a little selfish
at times. But when you care about yourself
enough to raise your quality of life, it's
just part of the process.
A
Sassy Breakthrough - Linda Hamilton, MCC
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Another Sassy Breakthrough!
Teresia was my first coach, that was
almost 9 years ago, I was newly married
and pregnant with our first child. At
the time, I was a relatively new coach
working in an organization and I had
developed a close relationship with
a co-worker I'll call Charlotte. Over
time, our conversations drifted into
office gossip and mutual venting. The
longer it went on, the more toxic it
felt.
I really liked Charlotte and her friendship
was important to me, but as I worked
with Teresia, I came to see how draining
these daily conversations really were.
The problem was, I had no idea how to
shift the relationship without risking
it. What if I asked her to stop gossiping
and she suddenly stopped being my friend?
With a little training (and a lot of
encouragement) from Teresia, I sat down
with Charlotte to address the situation.
"Char, our friendship is really
important to me, and I notice that when
we spend time talking about the things
we don't like in our co-workers, I walk
away feeling drained and discouraged.
I always think I'm venting, but I never
end up feeling any better. I love talking
with you, but I don't want to have this
kind of conversation any more."
I was terrified to have this talk,
but I really spoke from the heart. Talking
about my own experience and my concern
for our relationship felt good, and
she heard me. In fact, two days later
she thanked me for redirecting things,
remarking how much better she felt too.
This experience laid a foundation for
me - it empowered me! - and I'm quite
comfortable using boundaries in my relationships
now. With two small children and a home-based
coaching business, this lesson came
none too soon! I now set clear boundaries
with my family, friends and clients.
But what really feels good is the ability
to set boundaries in a way that completely
respects and honors the relationship
and both people in it. That's the pivotal
piece that makes it all work.
Linda Hamilton,
MCC
www.coachlinda.com
Women empowering women! Be an inspiration
to other women and share your own Sassy
Breakthrough! If you've experienced
some inspiring successes and you'd like
to be profiled in the Sassy and Savvy
Newsletter, we want to talk to you!
Have you had a win in dealing with your
tolerations, raising your standards,
setting boundaries, send an e-mail with
a brief description of your breakthrough
to stories@sassyandsavvywomen.com,
and we'll be in touch!
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Savvy
Steps: Hitch up your pantyhose and get moving!
Do you have relationships that
feel a bit askew? Of course - we all do! So
take some time to figure out which ones are
off track, and before you go any further,
be sure they're worth keeping. If they're
worth keeping, they're worth fixing.
For each relationship that feels off, identify
why. What is the behavior that you want to
shift? Next, visualize what you want to create
in the relationship. Which feelings could
you use as a guidepost to know if you're on
track?
Once you're clear on these pieces, commit
to having the conversation to raise the
bar on the relationship. Remember to speak
in a neutral tone, with "I" statements
and an open heart. Show how much you care.
This isn't a demand - it's a request to
honor and improve something that's special
to you.
If this feels a little daunting, start
small. Choose a situation that feels safe
enough to practice on, and as you work your
way through a few conversations and see
the results, you'll gain the confidence
and momentum to tackle the tougher ones.
You're worth it… just do it! Once
you get to the other side, you'll wonder
what took you so long.
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at 9:00am Pacific Time is your time
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the Savvy Conversation (8am) or the Savvy
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Passcode: 5077473. Make
this a regular part of your professional
development. The
next calls are on Thursday, April 19th at
8am PT/11:00am ET. .
Savvy
Conversation - April 19th at 8am PT
If you'd like to explore the topic of "setting
boundaries" in more depth, get coached,
and experience the momentum of other like-minded
women who are setting boundaries in their
lives, join us
on April 19th at 8:00am PST/11:00am EST
for the latest Savvy Conversations Coaching
Call.
In this *fre'e* teleconference, we'll be exploring
the challenges, secrets and shortcuts to defining,
establishing and maintaining your own boundaries.
In this candid discussion, you learn about
some of the most effective ways to raise the
bar, in both your business and your personal
life. We'll "see" you there! Sign
up here.
Watch for more upcoming developments from
the Sassy and Savvy Women! We are building
one amazing community, full of top-notch resources
and high-caliber guidance for the self-employed
woman.
And we're hard at work on our powerful new
book: Sassy and Savvy Self-Employed Women:
The Ultimate Guide to Leverage Your Business
and Love Your Life. If you'd like to preview
a chapter, click here!
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